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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

How Many Tapeworms Would Be Homeless Without Her? 

There's only one explanation: it was 3 AM, and the bar was almost empty, and USA Today was so drunk that it seemed like a good idea -- hiring that blonde with the prominent adam's-apple to "report" on the Democratic convention. The next morning USA Today woke up cold sober, realized it was in bed with the national poster child for vagina dentata, and paid her a big fat kill fee to get lost right now.

We want to be clear about this: we do not blame Ann Coulter. She's a niche performer, undeniably popular with her natural constituency of slobbering fucktards -- if you need an opening act for your cockfight or your monster truck rally, the gaunt, knobby-kneed hata-not-a-playa is definitely your gal (loosely defined). After all, her Freeper pals think she's a riot; how was she to know that her lame, recycled shtick wouldn't play in a big-time national venue? But Christ, let's face it, the poor thing makes Whoopi Goldberg look funny -- and that is no mean achievement.

Now she's slithered back to the small pond, where a site ironically titled Human Events Online has posted the spiked column in toto, along with USA Today's editorial annotations, so that her legions of mouth-breathing fans can read it and go "uh huh, yup, she's hot":
Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with the "F-word" are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling.

(USA Today: EYE-ROLLING? AT WHAT?)

Democrats are constantly suing and slandering police as violent, fascist racists -- with the exception of Boston's police, who'll be lauded as national heroes right up until the Democrats pack up and leave town on Friday, whereupon they'll revert to their natural state of being fascist, racist pigs.

(USA Today: WHAT DEMOCRATS SUE THE POLICE? BUT THEY WON'T ACTUALLY REVERT TO BEING FASCIST PIGS, DON'T YOU MEAN THE DEMS WILL THINK THEY HAVE REVERTED TO BEING FASCIST PIGS?)

A speaker at the Democratic National Convention this year, Al Sharpton, accused white police officers of raping and defacing Tawana Brawley in 1987, lunatic charges that eventually led to a defamation lawsuit against Sharpton and even more eventually, to Sharpton paying a jury award to the defamed plaintiff Steve Pagones. So it’s a real mystery why cops wouldn’t like Democrats.

(USA Today: IS THAT LAST SENTENCE SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME.)

As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it’s because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval. Plus, it’s no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention.

(USA Today: NOT FUNNY, I DON'T GET IT.)

Apparently, the nuts at the Democratic National Convention are going to be put in cages outside the convention hall. Sadly, they won't be fighting to the death as is done in WWE caged matches. They're calling this the "protestor's area," although I suppose a better name would be the "truth-free zone".

(USA Today: CLARIFY WHICH NUTS [NOTE FROM AC: THAT KILLS THE JOKE OF THE NEXT PARAGRAPH])

I thought this was a great idea until I realized the “nut” category did not include Sharpton, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Teddy Kennedy -- all featured speakers at the convention. I’d say the actual policy is only untelegenic nuts get the cages, but little Dennis Kucinich is speaking at the Convention, too. So it must be cages for “nuts who have not run for president as serious candidates for the Democratic Party.”
Remember the mutually self-deluding protagonists of Boogie Nights -- royalty in Porno World, couldn't get a loan in Straight World? That's the tragedy of Ann Coulter: compared to the sort of people who think she's smart and funny, she is smart and funny.

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