Wednesday, July 14, 2004

However, William "Refrigerator" Perry Says He Is "Willing to Listen to Overtures" 

Former Bears coach Mike Ditka has decided not to run for the Senate. Illinois Republicans are still scrambling to find a replacement for candidate Jack Ryan, who dropped out of the race when it transpired that his estranged wife, Seven of Nine Ryan, had refused to have sex with him in public.

After retiring from football Ditka found renewed fame as a spokesperson for Electile Dysfunction, having never registered to vote in the state of Illinois.

UPDATE: Kos reports that Barack Obama, the Democratic candidate for the open seat in Illinois, has been chosen to deliver the keynote speech at the Democratic Convention.

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