Saturday, November 13, 2004

Anaconda Cheney 

Via Zemblan patriot J.D.: President Bush is not the only Republican holder of high office to sport an unsightly bulge. You may have read that Dick Cheney checked into the hospital today; according to the official explanation, he was undergoing routine cardiac tests after experiencing "shortness of breath." But the following account of an impromptu photo shoot in Green Bay, Wisconsin, suggests that the vice president may in fact be suffering from an advanced case of Milton Berle Syndrome:
When Cheney ordered a decaf coffee and sat on a concrete ledge outside, Kopp’s manager Scott Borkin graciously brought him a sample of frozen custard. “The guy came all the way from the White House,” Borkin says. “He’s got to try our custard.”

The normally serious Cheney flashed a winning smile for Borkin, and Guldan snapped an attention-grabbing photo that would later be chosen for the front page of the paper’s September 11 Metro section.

Guldan got a call from a reader the next day. “Did you notice anything unusual about that picture?” the reader asked.

Upon closer inspection, it seems the vice president’s smile was not his biggest, ahem, asset. Is that what we think it is?

“You’re not imagining it,” Guldan says of the unintentionally revealing photo.

Let’s just say the snugness of Cheney’s pants left little to the imagination, and we’re not talking about his waistline.

One Journal Sentinel reader pointed out the blooper in an e-mail to WKLH-FM radio hosts Dave Luczak, Carole Caine and Kevin Brandt, who had a hoot talking about it during their popular morning show.

“It’s nice to have someone of that magnitude in the White House,” Brandt joked.

“He’s got a porn career right there,” Caine snickered.

“Now we know where his unmitigated confidence comes from,” Luczak quipped . . . .

“It’s like a scud missile, for crying out loud,” Caine said.

Want to see the picture for yourself? Catch it while you can at your public library’s periodical desk because chagrined Journal Sentinel officials are not in a sharing mood.

The paper denied our request to reprint the copyrighted photo, saying it had decided not to release the image to the public.
Medical insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the vice president's condition was gruesomely exacerbated by the successful assault on Fallujah this week. At last report the shunt had been removed and Mr. Cheney was resting comfortably, with his entire family in attendance -- all except daughter Mary, who cryptically remarked that "one glimpse was more than enough."

UPDATE: Here's the pic.

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