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Friday, December 10, 2004

Alberto Gonzalez and Your Testicles 

Our humble contribution to Science Friday:

1.) Laptop computers represent a serious hazard to male fertility. We assume that this is an issue of some concern to our loyal readership, because it seems to us that at least half of the bloggers we read, male and female alike, have linked to the following item:
Researchers at the State University of New York at Stony Brook have warned men to be careful about using notebook computers on their laps.

Yefim Sheynkin, director of male infertility and microsurgery at the university, said: "As well as being capable of producing direct local heat, they require the user to sit with his thighs close together to balance the machine, which traps the scrotum between the thighs."

Sheynkin explained that sperm concentration could be decreased by 40 per cent per 1°C increase. "The body needs to maintain a proper testicular temperature for normal sperm production," he said.

The researchers found that after just fifteen minutes use, the temperature of the scrotum had risen by 1°C. After more prolonged use, the temperature rose by as much as 2.8°C. Earlier studies have shown that temperature rises in this range have a detrimental effect on sperm production.
Given the above, simple logic tells us that:

2.) Internet porn addiction is an evolutionary survival mechanism. When it comes to preserving male fecundity, and by extension (as it were) the viability of the species, the tumescing love worm of the laptop-using porn-viewer does all the "heavy lifting" -- quite literally! Even a slight elevation of the laptop from the lap allows cooling air to circulate underneath, restoring overheated gonads to a temperature more congenial to sperm production. (Yet another reason why lightweight, travel-friendly machines are clearly preferable to the 9-, 10-, and 11-pound behemoths marketed as "desktop replacements," unless, of course, you have the good fortune to be Dirk Diggler.)

Of course, if the porn site in question happens to be a real trouser-rouser, the user will often elect to relocate the laptop -- at least temporarily -- in order to facilitate direct aeration of the genitalia, with similar beneficial results.

Which leads us to the inevitable conclusion that:

3.) Attorney General-designate Alberto Gonzalez is anti-life. From Josh Marshall we learn that, in the Gonzalez family, the vital task of safeguarding our national sperm count takes a back seat to Puritanism and political expediency. Otherwise, Gonzalez's stepson Jared Freeze would still have a job defending American scrota against the laptop menace.

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