Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Bushes 'n' Ho's 

Because so many Zemblans have complained about our relatively skimpy coverage of The Arts:

1.) You are no doubt aware that seeming ideological opposites Mel Gibson and Michael Moore, flung together by the surprising popular success of their filmic biographies of religious icons, have been playing very well together. But did you know that ruggedly handsome celebrity heartthrobs George Clooney and Bill O'Reilly have been engaged in a three-year-long pissing match over George's charity work on behalf of 9/11 families and tsunami victims? Neither did we, and we still wouldn't were it not for our esteemed colleague Angie at Ang's Weird Ideas.

2.) Meanwhile, Zemblan patriot J.D. (who will be out of the decontamination chamber shortly) has returned from a visit to the right-wing Christian site WorldNetDaily with news of a looming First Amendment Crisis: rapper Kid Rock, whose hits include "Pimp of the Nation" --
Pimp of the Nation, I could be it
As a matter of a fact, I foresee it
But only pimpin hoes with the big tush
While you be left pimpin' Barbara Bush
What's up granny
First name Annie
Dried up cunt and a saggin fanny
The highlight of your sex adventures
You wanna suck this take out your dentures
-- will not, we repeat, not, be headlining the "youth concert" at the Bush inauguration. In fact, WorldNetDaily is taking partial credit for the withdrawal of Rock's invitation (and we can only imagine how much seed is being involuntarily spilled by the habitués of that site as they scroll, aghast, past the following):
As WorldNetDaily reported, the Detroit-based rapper, who dedicated his first album to songs about oral sex and who was voted the Sluttiest Male Celebrity at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards, has a history of vulgar lyrics . . . .

Even so, Kid Rock, aka Robert James Ritchie, has been known to attend Republican events and was a supporter of Bush in last year's presidential race. The New York Times reported that during a party he attended at the Republican National Convention last year, Kid Rock noted that if he were president he would never get caught having sex in the Oval Office, but would instead install cameras in the Lincoln Bedroom . . . .

The performer's lyrics often center on the recreational nature of sex and speak of women as mere playthings.

According to an online bio, "Kid Rock is noted for his use of adult film stars when he performs (nude when he can get away with it), as Kobe Tai and Jenna Jameson have danced on stage while Kid does his thing."

After reading some of Kid Rock's lyrics, Randy Thomasson, president of Campaign for Children and Families, was outraged the rapper would be a part of the president's festivities.

"I just read Kid Rock's sexually explicit lyrics and feel ashamed and dirty for even looking at his songs," he told WND. "If this sex-crazed animal, whose favorite word is the F-word, is allowed to sing at Bush's inauguration this will send a clear message to pro-family Americans that the Republican Party has taken them for a ride and ditched them in the gutter."
Well, Dirty, you have every right to feel randy -- excuse us; that should read "Randy, you have every right to feel dirty" -- and the readers of WND, of course, have every right not to buy Kid Rock's "offensive" recordings. But what about freedom of speech? Does the Bush administration have the right to silence Kid Rock after inviting him to take part in a taxpayer-funded orgy of self-congratulation attended by thousands of frenzied, sweat-soaked, ass-wiggling Republicans who have waited four full years for another chance to get their alleged freak on? Let's examine the text of the First Amendment:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances; or the right of the white rapper to perform his most sexually-explicit, XXX-rated hits, such as
Dumb bitch fuckin' whore always wanted to get laid
but never gave the pussy up to anybody in her grade
Played me like a sucker
like a bitch like a punk
that little pussy-lickin' finger-fuckin' ho-ass cunt
Never once did she speak to anybody in her class
so one day I told her never let me get that ass, cuz . . . .
I'll fuck u blind bitch
I'll fuck u blind bitch
I'll fuck u blind till you just can't see no more
at any function, public or private, celebrating the inauguration of a duly elected President.
Based on our strict-constructionist reading of the above, the administration has clearly exceeded its Constitutional authority yet again. (Alberto Gonzales might mount a narrowly legalistic defense based on the phrase "duly elected," but we frankly doubt he'd want to open that can of worms.) The only question is, if Kid Rock, or a Kid Rock fan disappointed by his absence from the festivities, brings suit against the government, will the Supreme Court have time to render a verdict prior to January 20?

You will not be surprised to learn that the White House, in an effort to deflect controversy, is already denying that Rock's raunchy lyrics were behind the decision to drop him. "Some time after we had extended the invitation, it was brought to our attention that Mr. Rock is widely acknowledged to have jacked a number of his maddest crump beats," said a spokesperson for the Inaugural Entertainment Committee. "And that's not just wack; that's wiggity-wack."

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