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Sunday, February 27, 2005

And the Winner Isn't . . . . 

As you know, only five films can be nominated for Best Picture -- but this year, there were no fewer than eleven (count 'em) eleven Hollywood blockbusters that achieved the far loftier distinction of being burlesqued in song by master parodists Sam Maser and Jack Lechner. Michael and Mel, if you're still smarting from that OscarTM snub, buck up -- you're both winners in our songbook!

ALEXANDER
(to the tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)

Come on and see
Come on and see
Alexander’s rag-like hair
Come on and see
Come on and see
It’s his only part that’s fair
There’s no faulting Colin Farrell on his abs or on his glutes
A shame that can’t be said about his eyebrows and his roots
Who thought a wig would be too gay?
Anyway --
The film is long
The film is long
It’s inflated with hot air
It has the Stone
Testosterone
Without his customary flair
And if you’re not bemused enough by Angelina’s accent --
Come on and see
Come on and see
Alexander’s rag-like hair!

©2005 S.A. Maser & Jack Lechner. Reproduced by permission.

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
(to the tune of “The Girl From Ipanema”)

Short and dark and young and striking
The boy from Argentina goes biking
And with his buddy, he meets the haves and have-nots
Miners whom the cops are after
And lepers with no cause for laughter
And rich folks with estates so big you could plotz
What started out as vacation
Caused his politicization
Soon he will help found a nation
But despite all the ills they’ve surveyed
His friend only wants to get laid
Short and dark and young and striking
The boy from Argentina goes biking
Before he grows out his hair
And dons a beret
And after that day
They’ll all call him “Che”...

©2005 S.A. Maser & Jack Lechner. Reproduced by permission.

SUPER SIZE ME
(to the tune of “Moon River”)

Ruined liver
Eating a Big Mac
Could set your body back
For good
One film-maker
A risk-taker
Ate nothing but fast food
The last food he should
His girlfriend
Watched his belly droop
As he attained a super size
His doctors said, “Man, you’re unwise
Stop your escapade
Unless you want to trade
Your liver
For fries!”

©2005 S.A. Maser & Jack Lechner. Reproduced by permission.

TROY
(to the tune of “YMCA”)

Young Greek
There’s a place you can go
I said, young Greek
Where the blood’s gonna flow
With Achilles
On our side, we can’t lose
Unless he forgets to wear shoes
Helen
Menelaus’s dame
Has been kidnapped
By a guy by the name
Of Prince Paris
He’s a Trojan, and thus
That is where our leaders send us

It’s fun to fight out in
T-R-O-Y
It’s fun to fight out in
T-R-O-Y
They’ve got great big walls
We can’t breach by force
So we’ll hide in a giant horse
T-R-O-Y
We’ll put the lights out in
T-R-O-Y
Young Greek, young Greek
Say goodbye to your sheep
Young Greek, young Greek
Be a corpse in a heap
Out in T-R-O-Y...

©2005 S.A. Maser & Jack Lechner. Reproduced by permission.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11 & THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
A duet for Red states and Blue states
(to the tune of “Summer Nights” from Grease)

Red:
Summer movies
Most of them stank
Blue:
Summer movies
Truly were rank
Red:
Two stood out
Over them all
Blue:
Indie hits
Starting a brawl
Blue & Red:
Summer crap
Just made us nap
But uh-oh, those summer fights!
Uh well-a-well-a-well-a huh

Blue:
Michael Moore, Michael Moore
Is a hero to me
Red:
Michael Moore, Michael Moore
Is a fat SOB!
Blue & Red:
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Blue:
What an impact
Fahrenheit made
Red:
What a limp act
What a charade
Blue:
It’s the truth
Bush never told
Red:
It’s a lie
Miramax sold
Blue & Red:
Summer tripe
Drowned in the hype
But uh-oh, those summer fights!
Uh well-a-well-a-well-a huh

Red:
Tell me, Mel, tell me, Mel
Tell me all the good news
Blue:
Tell me, Mel, tell me, Mel
Why you’re blaming the Jews!
Blue & Red:
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Red:
Saw The Passion
Cried like a child
Blue:
Saw The Passion
Boy, was I riled
Red:
All the things
He sacrificed
Blue:
All that blood --
Jesus H. Christ!
Blue & Red:
Summer trash
Gone in a flash
But uh-oh, those summer fights!
Uh well-a-well-a-well-a huh

Red:
Michael Moore, Michael Moore
Just which side are you with?
Blue:
Tell me, Mel, tell me, Mel
Why’d you dis B’nai Brith?
(Slower)
Red:
Two films yielding
Two sets of fans
Blue:
Each one fielding
Kudos and pans
Red:
Shame we can’t
All sing one song --
Blue:
“Why can’t we
All get along?”
Blue & Red:
Red and blue
Splintered in two
Bu-ut, oh
Those su-ummer fi-ights!
Blue:
Michael Moore, Michael Moore!
Red:
Tell me, Mel, tell me, Mel!

©2005 S.A. Maser & Jack Lechner. Reproduced by permission.

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