Thursday, February 24, 2005

P.S.: Please Feed Hodge 

As of this morning the "prophetic speedometer of end-time activity" known as the Rapture Index is sitting at 153, which places the likelihood of that popular theological heresy coming to pass squarely in the "Fasten Your Seat Belts" zone. A few of the prophetic categories contributing to the current high figure:
  • MORAL STANDARDS: The scourge of gay marriage upgrades this category.
  • MARK OF THE BEAST: Wal-mart is falling behind in its plan to bar code all products with radio tags.
  • THE ANTICHRIST: The EU is looking a new President.
  • GOG: The lack of activity has downgraded this category.
Eschatologically-minded Zemblans who expect to be among the "raptured" are perhaps troubled by the prospect that they will be unable to communicate, from their perch in heaven, with the many friends, colleagues, family members, and other Godless sinners still stranded on terra firma:
After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?
Fret no more! If you'd like to leave your grieving and/or puzzled relatives a few words of comfort, do some post-facto proselytizing, or even just gloat (where's the harm? You'll be in heaven already), here's your chance. The automated web service Rapture Letters will arrange for your left-behind loved ones to receive a personalized form letter urging them to convert on the first Friday following the rapture, and every Friday thereafter. Why not sign up now -- before it's too late?

(NOTE: This post is offered as a public service and does not constitute an endorsement of any particular religious doctrine. It has always been our personal belief that the rapture took place years ago; as it turned out, the only person Jesus wanted beside his throne was Amelia Earhart.)

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