Friday, March 25, 2005

What Is Truth? 

Who among us does not love the wholesome, delightful pastime known as Zemblan Headline Challenge, in which we reproduce two news items, one legitimate, one yearning to be legitimate, and dare you to tell us which is which? Tonight we bring you a real story from the AP wire, recommended to us by Zemblan patriot J.M., and a tasty ringer, whipped up from scratch by those master confectioners at the Swift Report. As always, the first ten respondents to identify the phony win the princely sum of One Dollar American, less postage ($0.37) and handling ($0.99):

1. Nuns with guns: Forget about the ruler across the knuckles. From now on, if you mess with the sister, she'll bust a cap in your ass:
All options should be considered to prevent rampages like the Minnesota school shooting that took 10 lives -- including making guns available to teachers, a top National Rifle Association leader said Friday.

"I'm not saying that that means every teacher should have a gun or not, but what I am saying is we need to look at all the options at what will truly protect the students," the NRA's first vice president, Sandra S. Froman, told The Associated Press . . . .

Froman said if it is the responsibility of teachers to protect students in a school, "then we as a society, we as a community have to provide a way for the teachers to do that."

Froman cited the 1997 school shooting incident in Pearl, Miss., where a teacher retrieved a gun from his car when a student opened fire, then held the student at bay until police arrived.
2. Who's Your Daddy?: We now know it's possible to get pregnant without having sex, but is there any danger of catching an Immaculate STD?
If President Bush gets his way, highly regarded abstinence education programs will soon be even more prominent in US high schools. Mr. Bush has proposed that as much as $270 million be spent teaching kids to abstain from sexual activity until they've joined in holy matrimony with a partner of the opposite sex.

In addition to building character in young men and preparing young ladies to experience the two most wonderful, revered days of their lives, abstinence education programs will soon include information on so-called 'miraculous gestation,' or 'virgin birth.'

According to its new official definition, to be included in the glossaries of high-school health textbooks, virgin birth--or IC as it is commonly known--is human conception that occurs not from sexual contact but as a result of divine intervention. While still controversial among members of the medical community, the concept of virgin birth is widely accepted by the population at large. According to a Newsweek poll last year, 79% of Americans believe that the most famous product of virgin birth, Jesus Christ, was born of Mary without a human father.

Publishers plan to debut the information about 'virgin births' in Texas, the second largest textbook consumer in the country. Last fall, Education officials in Texas successfully petitioned textbook publisher Holt, Rinehart and Winston, to remove discussions of contraception from its books and to redefine marriage as union between a man and a woman.
Answers here and here.

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