Friday, August 12, 2005

Stones Tix -- 20% Off 

Let's face it, ladies: with the Rolling Stones about to launch an American tour in support of their new album, "A Bigger Bang," tickets are almost impossible to come by -- who among us does not want to see Mick Jagger singing "Satisfaction" when he's 62? -- and even if you can find them, the prices are astronomical. But suppose we let you in on a little secret. Suppose we told you how to put your elegantly manicured mitts on prime tix, in a private celebrity box, on the first night of the tour -- at a 20 percent discount?? That would get your attention, wouldn't it?

Mm hmm. We thought so. Here's all you have to do:

1.) Donate $100K to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's special-election fund so you can join him in his luxury box at Fenway Park when the tour kicks off on August 21.

2.) While the other guests are distracted -- perhaps during "Sweet Neocon" -- engage in sexual "outercourse" (however you want to interpret that) with the busty Gov.

3.) Collect your $20K rebate from American Media, publishers of Muscle & Fitness, Flex, and the National Enquirer:
Days after Arnold Schwarzenegger jumped into the race for governor and girded for questions about his past, a tabloid publisher wooing him for a business deal promised to pay a woman $20,000 to sign a confidentiality agreement about an alleged affair with the candidate.

American Media's contract with Gigi Goyette of Malibu is dated Aug. 8, 2003, two days after Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy on a late-night talk show. Under the agreement, Goyette must disclose to no one but American Media any information about her "interactions" with Schwarzenegger . . . .

But American Media was effectively protecting Schwarzenegger's political interests, said a person who worked at the company when the contracts were signed. At the same time, American Media was crafting a deal to make Schwarzenegger executive editor of Flex and Muscle & Fitness magazines, helping to lure readers and advertisers.

"AMI systematically bought the silence" of the women, said the person. Schwarzenegger "was a de facto employee and he was important to their bottom line" . . . .

American Media, which did not respond to repeated requests for comment, reached its agreement with Schwarzenegger on Nov. 15, 2003, two days before he was sworn in as governor. The deal was to pay him, by the company's estimates, at least $8 million over five years and no less than $5 million.

Schwarzenegger dropped the contract last month after the arrangement was made public in the Los Angeles Times and the Sacramento Bee. He said he plans to continue writing a monthly column for the two magazines . . . .

[Schwarzenegger biographer Laurence] Leamer writes that Goyette described her contact with Schwarzenegger with the term " 'outercourse' because it's like foreplay." The interaction, she told him, was "whatever we wanted it to be."

Goyette's lawyer, Charlotte Hassett, told The Times: "She maintained it was more of a massage situation — however you want to interpret that."
And remember: your eighty grand, after rebate, buys more than just a rockin' good time (and an ample sample of gubernatorial goo, which is, by the way, yours to keep). You'll be helping the Governor fight pernicious special interests such as nurses, teachers, and firemen -- a beau geste he's sure to appreciate, because just between us, funds are a little tight this month:
One week after accepting a $50,000 donation from a partner in a tribal casino project, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's political committee said Wednesday it would return the money after questions were raised about the donation by The Associated Press.

Schwarzenegger made a promise during the 2003 recall campaign not to accept campaign contributions from groups that negotiate directly with his office – specifically identifying tribal gambling as one of those special interests.
It's a touchy issue, and we advise against bringing it up -- especially during outercourse, the point of which is to relieve Mr. Schwarzenegger's stress. Another topic that's a must to avoid:
Tom Noe used his American Express credit card from Thomas Noe, Inc. — the same entity he’s accused of using as a vehicle to steal millions of dollars from Ohio’s rare-coin funds — to contribute $10,000 to California’s governor . . . .

After initially refusing to return the contributions, Mr. Schwarzenegger in June decided to reverse course and not keep the money after all. His spokesman could not confirm that the money has been returned.
All you have to do now is cross your fingers and hope the Ameriquest scandal doesn't break wide before August 21. Otherwise Mr. Schwarzenegger might have to give back the luxury box:
A giant Orange County mortgage company accused of duping low-income homeowners has pumped more than $7 million into California politics since 2002, including contributions to Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Democratic Attorney General Bill Lockyer and dozens of other state legislators, members of Congress and political committees.

Ameriquest's top executive, Roland Arnall, also has been one of President Bush's top fundraisers, generating $12 million for the president's political efforts during the past four years. On July 28, Bush nominated Arnall, a billionaire who was ranked No. 106 in the 2004 Forbes magazine list of the wealthiest Americans, as ambassador to the Netherlands.

Since Schwarzenegger took office in 2003, he alone has pulled in more than $1.5 million from Ameriquest, Roland Arnall and his wife, Dawn. Ameriquest also has given $1.5 million to groups backing the governor's political efforts and, along with the Arnalls, has contributed $1.5 million to the California Republican Party.

Ameriquest recently gave the governor a block of prime tickets and a luxury box for the Rolling Stones' opening concert on their U.S. tour -- for Schwarzenegger's use as a fundraiser . . . .

On the day Arnall was nominated as ambassador, the company reported that it was putting aside $325 million to settle predatory lending claims in 30 states, including California . . . .

The suits accused Ameriquest employees of forging loan documents, pumping up appraisals, providing phony credit and employment histories and changing the terms of loans. In the San Mateo case, the company was accused of "bait-and-switch" tactics, in which borrowers found themselves facing higher interest rates, loan charges and payments than they originally were promised.
(Thanks to Zemblan patriots T.C. and J.D. for the links.)

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