Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Missed It by That Much 

Much weeping and gnashing of teeth here in the Kingdom. As many of you know, we have been engaged for the last few years in a double-plus-ultra-top-secret stealth campaign to destroy the Republican Party from within by forcing the righteous, moral, impeccably Christlike (not to mention damnably effective) Tom DeLay out of his job as House Majority Leader and replacing him with a limp-wristed, pro-choice homo, whose newfound status as the public face of the GOP would, theoretically at least, plunge the party's fundamentalist base into a permanent state of debilitating cootie-panic and trigger an epidemic of cranial explosions that would make even David Cronenberg retch.

And for a good long while, everything was going quite nicely, thank you. DeLay himself we knew to be incorruptible -- money hath no charms for Tom DeLay! -- but luckily for us he had surrounded himself with lesser men, fallible men, and we knew that, with the proper inducement, they could be bent to our ends (if that is the phrase we want). We showered them with filthy lucre, exposed them to the pleasures it can buy, taught them to crave the sweet animal musk of power. We showed them how to buy and sell influence by shuffling cash from PAC to PAC, from this donor's slush fund to that one's, straining the letter of the law, perhaps, but always, always remaining just within it. That was the genius of our plan, for we knew that once they were caught in the corrosive grip of ambition, success would make them careless. One by one their morals crumbled. One by one they overstepped the bounds of legality. And then we pounced.

DeLay was of course blameless in all this; his only crime, to have been betrayed repeatedly, almost unanimously, by underlings far less scrupulous than he. But such fine distinctions count for nothing in the court of public opinion, and because we had earlier contrived for him to suffer a series of stinging, but groundless, ethical rebukes from as many of his colleagues in the House as we could blackmail or bribe, the good name of the Texas Bug Man was already hopelessly bemerded. All we'd need to complete his ritual humiliation would be a blatantly partisan D.A. and a group of "impartial" "jurors" willing to return an indictment in the absence of any incriminating evidence whatsoever; neither proved difficult to purchase. Several of the cannier Republicans had undertaken, some months back, to subvert our master plan by revoking the antiquated rule that requires indicted Congressmen to resign from their leadership positions, but a public outcry erupted -- right on schedule! -- and the rule remained in place. When the indictment was announced this morning, DeLay had no choice but to step down.

By this point we had rubbed our palms raw in anticipation. We had the light-loafered pro-choice homo all picked out: photogenic, articulate, with a downright gaudy 92 percent favorability rating from the Christian Coalition. As chairman of the powerful House Rules Committee, he was an obvious choice to succeed DeLay -- and indeed, all through the morning, reputable sources were reporting that the job was his.

But the taste of victory swiftly turned to ashes in our mouth.

The Republicans picked Roy Blunt of Missouri instead. (No, not the author of Crackers and Be Nice; that's Roy Blount, Jr., with an "o" and a "junior." This Roy Blunt is the House Majority Whip.)

Why the last-minute switch? The official story is that "conservatives in the GOP caucus immediately erupted in anger over rumors that the selection of Dreier, whom they regard as too moderate, was being presented as a fait accompli."

"Too moderate." Sure, we're laughing. On the outside, anyway. Because we know what really happened.

Which one of you bastards ratted us out??

Confess now, throw yourself on the King's mercy, and you may yet escape your rendezvous with the headsman. But if you force us to track you down -- and believe us, eventually we will -- you will come to anticipate eternal damnation in the reeking bowels of hell as a pleasant change of pace.

Kindly excuse us now as we retire to the Boo Hoo Bar and drink a deep draught from the cup of bitterness to celebrate four years of hard work down the crapper.

UPDATE (via Zemblan patriot K.Z.): Plan B, we are pleased to report, remains on track.

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