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Monday, September 19, 2005

Your Mother Sucks Cocks in Hell; Father Mike, in the Sacristy 

Pope Benedict XVI, not altogether clear on the distinction between a homosexual and a pederast but nonetheless alarmed that 81% of the church's hush money is going to boys, is contemplating a massive purge of gay seminarians. The laborious process of screening young, hunky would-be priests for "evidence of homosexuality" will be conducted by 117 investigators, specially chosen by the Vatican from among thousands of eager volunteers:
The planned search for homosexuality is part of a Vatican review prompted by the clergy sexual abuse crisis of 229 American seminaries, theology schools, and other institutions that train priests. It is set to begin this month.

The chairman of the Boston College theology department, the Rev. Kenneth Himes, sharply criticized the review yesterday, saying that if the bishops really want to understand what caused the sexual abuse crisis, they should investigate their own orifices.
Oops! Deepest apologies to Rev. Kenneth; that last bit should of course read "offices." As you know, we have always maintained that the best and most elegant solution to the problem of pederast priests would be long jail terms without possibility of parole, not just for the perps themselves but for all their accomplices and accessories throughout the hierarchy of the church. Naturally we do not expect Pope B. to share our enthusiasm for that approach. We do, however, admire his willingness to confront this long-neglected scandal head-on by scapegoating queers, the innocent and the guilty alike, for the crimes of his church; we can only hope that once he's done he will address the remaining 19% of abuse cases just as boldly, by barring straight men from the priesthood as well. (And while we're on the subject, why is it that no one ever talks about the problem of lesbianism in the clergy?)

Meanwhile, our distinguished colleague SpinDentist at ASZ informs us that the rollback of the Enlightenment continues apace, as Our Favorite Pontiff rolls out the red carpet (with the mysterious pea-green stains) for the annual convention of exorcists:

At the end of his weekly general audience on Wednesday Pope Benedict greeted Italian exorcists who, he disclosed, are currently holding their national convention.

The pope encouraged them to “carry on their important work in the service of the Church.”

Problem was that until the pope spoke few people outside the inner circle knew that a convention of Beelzebub-busters was going on, presumably in Rome.

“They try to keep these things quiet,” said a Catholic professor who has dealings with exorcists . . . .

A Vatican university announced last Thursday that for the second year running it will hold a course on exorcism and Satanism for Roman Catholic priests . . . .

The four-month course, which begins in October, is what the university calls inter-disciplinary. It includes medical, psychological and religious aspects of Satanism and exorcism.

According to some estimates, as many as 5,000 people are thought to be members of Satanic cults in Italy with 17-to 25-year-olds making up three quarters of them.

Last year, Italy was gripped by the story of two teenage members of a heavy metal rock band called the “Beasts of Satan” who were killed by other band members in a human sacrifice.

A Satanist spokesman explained that the murders were "cult business" and were being investigated internally by high-ranking cult officials. The surviving band members have already been relocated to a new jurisdiction, where their duties will not include playing heavy metal with other teenaged acolytes of the Dark Prince.

The families of the sacrificial victims received an undisclosed settlement, believed to be in the low to mid-six figures, in exchange for their agreement not to summon an exorcist.

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