Friday, October 28, 2005

Last Man Standing 

Our temporally peripatetic colleague Chris Floyd informs us that he has just returned from visiting his fiancee, the lovely if somewhat neurasthenic Weena, and eating her parents (we're sure he meant to say "meeting"). Mr. Floyd is, as you know, a dedicated student of future history, and on his way home could not resist taking a brief detour to attend the inauguration of our 49th President, Calvin J. Hooper, in the year 2007:
Hooper's ascent to the presidency has been meteoric, to say the least. Two weeks ago, he was a part-time city councilman in Salt Lick, Tennessee (pop. 1300). But following the indictment of most recent president Ken Mehlman on racketeering charges for his alleged involvement in the Jack Abramoff-Tom Delay crime ring, a frantic search of computer records found that Hooper was the only elected Republican official in America who had neither been paid off by the ring nor was complicit in the so-called "Nurembergate Scandal," the wide-ranging government conspiracy to launch a war of aggression against Iraq on false pretenses. More than 1,427 Republican officials have been convicted in the two ongoing investigations, and a further 927 are now under indictment, including former presidents Dennis Hastert, Colin Powell, Karen Hughes and Scott McClellan . . . .

Hooper pledged to build "a new era of honesty and lawfulness in government, a new policy of constructive engagement with the global community, and a new sidewalk in front of my mama's house." The latter was "the main reason I got into politics in the first place," the new president told an inaugural crowd estimated at 35-40. Although he has been on the Salt Lick council for three years, Hooper has to date been unsucessful in getting the sidewalk repaved. "Let's see 'em try to palm us off with hot tar and gravel now," he exulted at the inaugural. "It better be solid cement from Mama's yard all the way down to the feed store."

The new president received immediate pledges of bipartisan support from Democratic leaders. "We think the American people want unity and closure in these difficult times," said Senator Hillary Clinton of New York. "They don't want us to take partisan political advantage of the Republicans'little spot of bother." The quiet, consensus politics of the opposition party is a carry-over from the 2006 mid-term elections, when, to the astonishment of most experts, the Democrats failed to retake Congress, despite the fact that 85 percent of the Republican incumbents were either in jail, under indictment or had joined Bush's so-called "holy remnant" of exiles in Medina. Some attributed the Democrats' lackluster showing to the official campaign slogans the national party adopted in 2006: "The War: We Can Do It Better" and "Corporations: What's Not to Like?"

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