Thursday, November 10, 2005

Three-Way Zemblan Headline Challenge! 

In a rare and unlikely-to-be-repeated fit of noblesse oblige, we asked a few of Zembla's most trusted patriots how Ye Old Bloggue might be spruced up and improved, the better to serve the informational needs of You the Reader. Lighten up! was the consensus among these learned scholars. Who the fuck wants to spend all day every day reading about torture, war crimes, and related atrocities? All those downer stories just harsh our mellow. Now we have always imagined ours to be a progressive, politically savvy constituency, with no appetite for frivolity, and at first we were tempted to dismiss this advice, but we did not; instead, we undertook a survey of our longtime readers, asking them to rank their interests from among a short menu of choices. Much to our bewilderment, politics came in a distant fourth! -- behind breasts, testicles, and celebrity sperm.

Because we are a benevolent king, whose dearest wish is to give the people of Zembla what they want, as long as they don't want a coup d'etat, we are pleased to announce the latest installment of our beloved and hugely entertaining national pastime, Zemblan Headline Challenge. By now you are certainly familiar with the rules: we present a trio of frankly ludicrous items, two culled from so-called "reputable" news outlets and a third plucked from a parody site; you, the esteemed reader, must tell us which is the phony. As always, the first ten respondents to answer correctly will receive a generous prize of one dollar American, minus $0.37 for postage and a nominal handling fee of 85 cents.

Item the First: When they finally put us in that padded cell, we hope they pad it like this:
A Dutch designer has created a wall of fake breasts to help male shoppers buy bras that fit their wives or girlfriends . . . .

"Most men have a selective memory," she explained. "They know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife's bra size.

"When trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say a 'handful'."

The wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes. By look and touch, male shoppers can work out the right size, she says.
Item the Second: Dr. Cheney will see you now:
Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.

Serbian fertility expert Dr Sava Bojovic, who runs one of the clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into a state of immobility.

He said: "We attach electrodes to either side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing through them.

"This stuns the sperm, effectively putting them to sleep for up to 10 days, which means couples can have sex without fear of getting pregnant . . . .

He added: "We are hoping to have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in time for Xmas."
Item the Third: For a measly one million dollars, or just three times the domestic gross of The Brown Bunny . . .
The indie film auteur [Vincent Gallo] apparently has offered to sell his sperm. For a Dr. Evil-esque $1 million.

"Price includes all costs related to attempt at an in vitro fertilization," the listing on the merchandise wing on Gallo's official Website says.

Fertilization by Gallo the old-fashioned way will run the buyer an additional $500,000, the site says, unless the star thinks said buyer is smoking hot in which case the additional fee is waived.

ANSWER (for decoding instructions send $5.00 American and a self-addressed stamped envelope to King of Zembla, c/o Zemblan Exchequer, Zembla. Cash only, please): .lla su pleh doG yam dna -- !eurt era seirots eerht llA .detaehc ew ,yakO

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