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Saturday, January 07, 2006

Krazee Eyez Killa-in-Chief 

The list of daily-must-read blogs is already so long that we have just about abandoned any hope of keeping up with them. So what happens? We'll tell you what happens. Our @#%$!&*!# colleague Glenn Greenwald comes along with yet another @#%$!&*!# daily-must-read blog is what happens, and we would be cursing his @#%$!&*!# eyes at this very moment had he not directed us to what is, in our opinion, the most important post of 2006 (to date):
Sure, these FISA courts of yours could provide the exact same protection that Bush has claimed his less-than-legal options have garnered; but what kind of message does that send the terrorists? When their chief opponent isn't even willing to break a few laws to defeat them? These people blow up buildings for entertainment; and our President can't even violate a lousy statute or two? They're laughing at us already. And if the terrorists are laughing, the terrorists have already won.

So rather than trying to stifle Bush with an America-hating impeachment or some other “legal” option, I say that we have to take this to the next level. As has been argued before, rather than just a violating a little illegal search action; I say that we have Bush get busy violating some real laws. Like say we film him doing a little drive-by action on the streets of DC. Nothing like a little gunplay to get a terrorist’s attention. And if we really want to shake them up, Bush could go Dahmer and just start eating people and raping their detached skulls; perhaps even on a reality TV show or something. They’d take one look at his crazy ass and just turn themselves in, knowing that our president was an ornery cuss they just didn’t want to mess with.

And so that’s what this is all about. Not about listening in on a few phone calls; but about showing those terrorist bastards exactly how far we’ll go to defeat them. I mean, let’s face it: Al Qaeda as a coherent terrorist organization is on its last legs and has been effectively shattered; leaving it only symbolic status as a loose-knit group of terrorist cells with no effective connection or identity. So anything we might listen in on from known-terrorists would have little or no strategic value; while the new terrorist cells work completely undetected, and under our very noses. But…the strategic value of terrorist scum everywhere knowing how far our president is willing to push the limits of democracy is utterly priceless. If they know that we’re willing to destroy this democracy ourselves, they’ll be much less likely to try any of their America-hating hi-jinks, and are much more likely to focus their strength on countries like Iraq, who are trying to work on some kind of respectable democracy. A strategy that has clearly paid off already.
UPDATE: You have undoubtedly read elsewhere that the Lincoln Group received a $20-million-dollar Pentagon contract to plant pro-U.S. propaganda in Iraqi newspapers. Less publicized but vastly more effective in quelling the insurgency was a series of cautionary pamphlets distributed under the umbrella title "George W. Bush is a Bad, Bad Man":
  • If you ask George W. Bush what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for George W. Bush.
  • George W. Bush is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • George W. Bush doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • When George W. Bush goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • George W. Bush doesn’t wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with George W. Bush's fist.
  • George W. Bush once punched someone so hard that his fist broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • George W. Bush is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Bushtatorship.
  • George W. Bush ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
We certainly hope Chuck Norris won't see this item. If he does, may God have mercy on George W. Bush.

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