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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb & PVI 

A brace of fascinating scientific discoveries, one of which has us contemplating an extended speaking tour:

1.) In a no-bid arrangement, the terraforming rights have just been awarded to Halliburton:
A planet similar to Earth has been found orbiting a distant star by astronomers who believe they are getting closer to discovering an alien world inhabited by extraterrestrial life.

The new planet is five times the size of Earth but is itself unlikely to harbour life because it is probably covered in frozen oceans with average temperatures of around minus 220C.

However, the scientists behind the discovery believe the find marks a breakthrough in the search for relatively small, rocky planets such as Earth where temperatures are neither too hot nor too cold for life . . . .

The new planet, designated OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb, is the smallest and the coldest planet yet discovered beyond the solar system. It orbits a star towards the centre of the Milky Way galaxy located 20,000 light years away in the constellation Sagittarius.
Asked about the possibility of first contact with extraterrestrial lifeforms, Vice President Cheney assured reporters that the OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lbans, if they do exist, will greet us as liberators.

2.) Just imagine what a dynamic speaker Bill Clinton might have been if he'd had sex with that woman instead of settling for a blow job!
GOT some public speaking to do? Here's a tip to keep stress at bay: have sex beforehand. But make sure it's penetrative sex - the magic vanishes if you pursue other forms of sexual gratification.

Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley, UK, compared the impact of different sexual activities on blood pressure when a person later experiences acute stress. For a fortnight, 24 women and 22 men kept diaries of how often they engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI), masturbation or partnered sexual activity excluding intercourse. After, the volunteers underwent a stress test involving public speaking and mental arithmetic out loud.

Volunteers who'd had PVI but none of the other kinds of sex were least stressed, and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who'd only masturbated or had non-coital sex. Those who abstained had the highest blood-pressure response to stress.
The State of the Union address is only a week away, and our beleaguered Chief Executive will need all the help he can get. Run, Miss Beazley! Run!

UPDATE: Zemblan patriot J.D. forwards a sample of Bushian eloquence cited by Al Kamen in his WaPo column last week. The President here responds, extemporaneously, to a woman who had asked how his (since-abandoned) Social Security plan would "fix the problem" with that venerable program:
'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.'
We have mercifully omitted a "Hey, LADY," a "Melvin??" and two "Don't Lick It's" from the transcript.

Seriously now: are these the words of a man who has had PVI in the last decade-and-a-half? Run, Barney!!

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