Thursday, February 23, 2006

Please Allow Fred to Introduce Himself 

We always suspected those nice bikers in Born Losers were getting an unfair rap:
Wearing vests covered in military patches, a band of motorcyclists rolls around the country from one soldier's funeral to another, cheering respectfully to overshadow jeers from church protesters.

They call themselves the Patriot Guard Riders, and they are more than 5,000 strong, forming to counter anti-gay protests held by the Rev. Fred Phelps at military funerals.

Phelps believes American deaths in Iraq are divine punishment for a country that he says harbors homosexuals. His protesters carry signs thanking God for so-called IEDs -- explosives that are a major killer of soldiers in Iraq . . . .

Shirley Phelps-Roper, a daughter of Fred Phelps and an attorney for the Topeka, Kansas-based church, said neither state laws nor the Patriot Guard can silence their message that God killed the soldiers because they fought for a country that embraces homosexuals.

"The scriptures are crystal clear that when God sets out to punish a nation, it is with the sword. An IED is just a broken-up sword," Phelps-Roper said. "Since that is his weapon of choice, our forum of choice has got to be a dead soldier's funeral."

The church, Westboro Baptist Church, is not affiliated with a larger denomination and is made up mostly of Fred Phelps' extended family members.
Satan, reached in Hell, merely chuckled when asked what sort of (extremely) warm welcome he has in store for Mr. Phelps and co., although he did slyly mention in passing that several of his favored demons are endowed -- we would go so far as to say well-endowed -- with three gargantuan, barbed cocks, the first of which shoots lava, the second of which shoots hydrochloric acid, and the third of which shoots Ass in the Tub Armageddon Hot Sauce #3.

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