Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Mayhem Envy 

Ron Howard's movie of The Da Vinci Code (or, as Zemblan patriot J.D. likes to call it, Opie's Dei) is about to open, and Nigerian Cardinal Francis Arinze, who finished second by a nose in last year's Papal Derby, is urging his flock to undertake some as-yet-unspecified legal action against the makers of the film for, uh . . . for, uh . . . for violating the unwritten law against offending Catholic clergymen? (At least we think that's what he's urging: "Sometimes it is our duty to do something practical. So it is not I who will tell all Christians what to do, but some know legal means which can be taken in order to get the other person to respect the rights of others," is how the quote goes. To which we can only add: amen, brother!)

We regret to say we have no direct knowledge of the alleged affront to Catholicism; we have not yet seen the movie, and although we picked up a copy of the nototious bestseller by Dan Brown on a visit to the bookstore some years back, we managed to read only a page or so before concluding that our entertainment dollar would be better spent on the new Richard Stark. Luckily, garrulous in-laws have since described to us, at debilitating length, the controversial McGuffin of the book: that Jesus Christ, the purported son of God, who -- -- at one point married, and fathered children by, Mary Magdalene. It's this last bit that seems to have strained the cardinal's credulity to the snapping point:
"Those who blaspheme Christ and get away with it are exploiting the Christian readiness to forgive and to love even those who insult us. There are some other religions which if you insult their founder they will not be just talking. They will make it painfully clear to you," Arinze said.

This appeared to be a reference to protests by Muslims around the world over cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad.
Islam, as we learn in the teachings of Pat Roberton, is a religion of violence and mayhem (which is one reason it's so darned popular with people who never get to see a Bruce Willis picture, much less play Grand Theft Auto), and it's not hard to see why Cardinal Arinze's holy buttocks are so painfully chapped: as a namby-pamby, cheek-turning devotee of the Prince o'Peace, the best he can do in response to blasphemy and exploitation is snivel, recite the beatitudes and threaten a nuisance suit. If, on the other hand, he were swingin' the mighty sword of Mahomet, we'd be talkin' full-on, balls-out, buck-wild jihad: riots! -- looting! -- car-bombs in the executive parking lot at Sony! Exploit that, Hollywood infidels. You made us get all Muslim on your ass. Who's sorry now??

Remember the high school sociology experiment where you put four members of the chess club in a room with four juvenile delinquents, and a week later you've got eight juvenile delinquents? Same with religions.

UPDATE (via Zemblan patriot B.K.): Ben Domenech and Kaavya Viswanathan are not the only plagiarists around these parts. A couple of years ago, when all those wingnuts were grousing about the "factual inaccuracies" in Fahrenheit 9/11, we gave them a great idea for a symbolic protest. Today we open the paper and find our brilliant inspiration attributed to some obscure Church group -- in India, fer chrissakes:
A Roman Catholic organization in India has urged Christians to starve themselves to death to protest the release of "The Da Vinci Code" in movie theaters there, Agence France-Presse reported. Joseph Dias, the secretary general of the Catholic Secular Forum, who spoke of the "fast unto death" as a demonstration of "the extent that our feelings have been hurt," said that it is "a more Christian way of doing things rather than pulling down things and tearing them up." The forum said that it hoped that thousands of people would turn out for a protest today in Mumbai to burn effigies of Dan Brown, the author of the best-selling novel that is the basis for the film, scheduled for international release on May 19.
Mark our words: today's suicide is tomorrow's suicide bomber.

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