Saturday, June 17, 2006

Synergy, or Woman Thou Art Loosed 

What ho! While sorting through the contents of the Diplomatic Pouch earlier today, we came across what appears to be a direct-mail advertisement for a motion picture entitled End of the Spear, which had its DVD premiere -- to our knowledge, its only premiere -- on June 13:

Worlds collide and tragedy strikes as a group of missionaries journeys to the heart of the Amazon jungle in search of the Waodani, a fierce tribe of warriors completely isolated from civilization. When five of the missionaries are brutally speared by the tribesmen, their families, numb, are left husbandless and fatherless. Undeterred by their loss and spurred on by hope, the families of the victims remain in Ecuador to live among the Waodani as a young boy attempts to unlock the secret of his father's death. Based on a true story, End of the Spear is a moving and powerful tale of sacrifice, courage and redemption.
Hmm, we thought. A parable of Iraq? But after a moment's reflection we began to suspect that we were dealing with a Christer special, one of those low-budge inspirational dramas they show in church basements on Sunday nights, or at Vacation Bible School when it's pouring buckets and the restive young'uns are trapped indoors. Our suspicions were confirmed in short order by an URL that appeared at the bottom of the postcard: www.foxfaith.com.

Holy sacred cow. A brand-new division of 20th-Century Fox? Since Mr. Murdoch has turned a tidy profit catering to the fleshly appetites of the pornhound legions who habituate DirecTV channels 593-598, we are not surprised to find him snuffling after the born-again dollar as well. But how could a whole new division spring into being unpublicized, mushroom-like, sub rosa, while we weren't looking? DVD titles listed at the Fox Faith website include Satan Never Sleeps, The Visitation, Woman Thou Art Loosed, Love's Enduring Promise, Beyond the Gates of Splendor, Hangman's Curse, Billy Graham Presents Last Flight Out, Billy Graham Presents Road to Redemption, Billy Graham Presents Something to Sing About, Billy Graham Presents The Hiding Place, South Pacific (!), Hello Dolly (!!), and -- in what we take as an obligatory nod to the Sojourners crowd -- The Grapes of Wrath (!!!). Did we mention Woman Thou Art Loosed?

We can summarize this exciting new development in one word: opportunity! For some time we have been "pitching" the "concept" of a big-budget Biblical extravaganza to be entitled Lot's Daughters Gone Wild. The agents, producers, studio executives, waitresses, etc., who have heard our proposal agree: if filmed with a proper fidelity to the source material (Gen. 19), it has the potential to be a major crossover hit -- appealing, not unlike The O'Reilly Factor, to devout Christians, pornhounds, and devout Christian pornhounds alike. By the time he gets to Scene 4 of our provocative screen treatment ("Take my daughters -- please!") Mr. Murdoch will surely be compelled to acknowledge that he is holding, right there in his lap, a tentpole of frankly staggering proportions.

Rupert! Our people are awaiting your call. What ho!

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