Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Ms. Carol? We'd Be More Than Happy to Check That for You 

At the golden age of twelve we read a novel by Robert A. Heinlein, The Puppet Masters, in which earth is invaded by alien parasites who attach themselves to human spines:
The back was still heaving; I did not like the look of it -- unnatural. I placed a palm between the shoulder blades.

A man's back is bone and muscle. This was soft and undulating.

It pulsed . . . .
One plot detail that considerably enlivened our pubescence: Mr. Heinlein establishes that there is only one way to tell normal humans from those who are hosting aliens, and that is, of course, universal toplessness. Laws are swiftly passed requiring men and women to go about naked from the waist up. The women will squawk at first, explains the pragmatic Heinleinian hero, but they'll get used to it. Or else! This is no time for modesty! The fate of mankind is at stake!

By the age of fourteen, having familiarized ourselves with several of the later works in the Heinlein oeuvre, we finally understood that the alien-invasion plot of The Puppet Masters was a mere bagatelle: the animating artistic impulse of the novel was plainly Mr. Heinlein's desire to envision a credible futuristic society in which all women would be obligated to show him their tits.

Heinlein, thou shouldst be living at this hour:
U.S. authorities are advising women not to wear gel bras on airplanes as information developed in the foiled London plot points to an expanding role for women in smuggling explosives on to an aircraft.
And don't imagine for a moment that gel explosives are the only form of bra-based weaponry. Let's not forget (as if we could!) those twin .38's Ursula Andress was packing in her chromium cups in the opening sequence of The 10th Victim (1965). After all, the makers of Austin Powers have already stolen the gag; who's to say terrorists won't do the same?

In other words, anyone wearing a bra could be a menace to our national security. We're sick and tired of motherfuckin' bras on a plane. This is no time for modesty! The fate of mankind is at stake!

From the same article cited above:
Authorities at Scotland Yard are questioning a husband and wife, suspects in the London terror plot, about allegations that they were planning to use their baby's bottle to hide a liquid bomb.

Police in the U.K. have recovered baby bottles containing peroxide, including some with false bottoms, from a recycling center close to the homes of some of the arrested suspects.

The use of female suicide bombers has been successful in previous airplane attacks.

When two airplanes went down within minutes of each other in Russia in 2004, officials immediately suspected a terrorist connection. It was later learned that the two suicide bombers were Chechen women. They had both been detained in the airport before boarding their flights but managed to convince airline officials using a little cash and charm to let them on board. Ninety people were killed.

"Black Widows," as they are called by the Russian media, are Chechen women who kill themselves to avenge the deaths of their husbands or other male family members.
Many of our worthy counterparts at the right-wing blogs have gone on the record as vigorous proponents of the ethnic profiling of swarthy Middle Eastern males between the ages of 18 and 40. Now the standard terrorist profile has been expanded to include their moms, wives, and girlfriends; how will they address the emerging threat of brassierofascism?

BREAKING NEWS: Beverly Hills authorities report that a near-calamity at LAX has led to the arrest of a local ring of swarthy Middle Eastern plastic surgeons. An unidentified actress was preparing to board a flight to Las Vegas when she tripped on a carry-on strap, fell to the carpet, and exploded. Apparently her breast implants had been filled . . . with nitroglycerine.

Is there no end to the satanic ingenuity of our implacable terrorist foes?

(Thanks to Zemblan patriot K.Z. for the link.)

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