Monday, January 22, 2007

Check Out the Pores on That One 

Courtesy of Zemblan patriot J.D.: We have always been amused by the male obsession with resolution. Most experts (and many women!) agree that it is possible to have a happy and gratifying sex life at well under 1080p:
Pornography has long helped drive the adoption of new technology, from the printing press to the videocassette. Now pornographic movie studios are staying ahead of the curve by releasing high-definition DVDs.

They have discovered that the technology is sometimes not so sexy. The high-definition format is accentuating imperfections in the actors — from a little extra cellulite on a leg to wrinkles around the eyes . . . .

Producers are taking steps to hide the imperfections. Some shots are lit differently, while some actors simply are not shot at certain angles, or are getting cosmetic surgery, or seeking expert grooming.

“The biggest problem is razor burn,” said Stormy Daniels, an actress, writer and director . . . .

The studios said their experience using the technology gives them an advantage in understanding how to cope with the mixed blessing of hypercrisp images. Their techniques include using postproduction tools that let them digitally soften the actors’ skin tone.

“It takes away the blemishes and the pits and harshness and makes it look like they have baby skin,” said the director known as Joone, who made “Pirates,” one of the industry’s top-selling videos. It will be available this month in high-definition.

Joone does not use a last name, but he does use a number of techniques to keep his films blemish-free. They include giving out lifestyle tips.

“I tell the girls to work out more, cut down on the carbs, hit the treadmill,” he said . . . .

Ms. Daniels said that attitude was just so typical of men . . . .

[HD technology is] not necessarily good, said Savanna Samson, an actress who last December directed her first movie, “Any Way You Want Me.” During a scene in which she played a desperate housewife, she ran into a problem: the high-definition camera revealed she had a tiny ill-placed pimple.

“We kept stopping and trying to hide it. We put on makeup and powder, but there was no way,” Ms. Samson said. Finally, they tried another approach: “We just changed positions,” she said.
A practical tip for Ms. Samson's fans: when the sight of a gigantic high-def whitehead, fully engorged and ready to spurt, causes our ardor to cool, we turn to an ingenious but decidedly low-tech solution. We merely remove the imperial bifocals! -- a simple expedient that quite frequently, in our opinion, improves the experience not just of pornography, but of actual sex as well. Try it and see!

UPDATE: We wish to state categorically and for the record that the passage immediately above, about the absence of bifocals improving the experience of sex, is in no way intended to reflect upon the experience of sex with the Q. of Z. Needless to say, we vigorously reject any such imputation.

UPDATE II: We wish to state categorically and for the record that furthermore, the passage immediately above is in no way intended to reflect upon the experience of sex with anyone other than the Q. of Z., and most certainly not the scullery maid with the wen. In fact the entire passage seems to us, upon a second reading, to be the product of sloppy editing; to our best recollection the original draft, now unfortunately mislaid, read "improves the experience of pornography, but not that of actual sex." Do not doubt that the royal proofreader will be mercilessly interrogated until responsibility for this egregious error has been properly assigned.

UPDATE III: We are now able to announce with some authority that the controversial "bifocals" passage, as well as the two updates that immediately follow it, were in fact posted by an imposter, who has somehow managed to put his thieving hands on Yr. Mst. Bnvlnt. Dspt's Blogger password. The prime suspect is our distant lookalike cousin Sammy Sassendyll, who, for complicated reasons of state, was compelled to impersonate the King of Z. for an extended portion of last year. His current whereabouts are unknown, but you may rest assured that if we can find Little Sammy with a spyglass, we will certainly flog him within an inch of his life.

UPDATE IV: Forgot to mention. It was also most likely the aforementioned Mr. Sassendyll who, upon quitting the castle, left his enormous stash of Savanna Samson disks in the royal armoire.

| | Technorati Links | to Del.icio.us