Monday, February 19, 2007

Is That a Semen Stain on Your Blue Shalwar Kameez? 

Our salty colleague J. Schwarz alerts us to a new biography of Ariel Sharon by his friend and confidant the late Uri Dan. Based on the early reviews, we predict that Timmy Hardaway will henceforth be voting the straight Democratic ticket:
Uri Dan recalls that Sharon's delicacy made him reluctant to repeat what [President Bush] had told him when they discussed Osama bin Laden. Finally he relented. And here is what the leader of the Western world, valiant warrior in the battle of cultures, promised to do to bin Laden if he caught him: "I will screw him in the ass!"
No wonder the wily Osama has proven so damned elusive. (Of course, Mr. Bush often says the same thing about Laura, but to our knowledge he hasn't caught her, either.)

Another bombshell from the same book: Dan further claims that Mr. Bush gave Mr. Sharon the green light to assassinate PLO leader Yasser Arafat. The President reportedly insisted on two conditions: first, that the murder be carried out undetectably, by using, say, an untraceable poison; and second, that the poison be administered anally.

UPDATE: Mr. Bush and Mr. Sharon are walking along a dirt road at the former's Crawford, TX, ranch when they happen to spy, on the rickety front porch of a tenant farmer's shack, an aged coonhound avidly licking its own testicles. "Say, Mr. President," chortles the waggish Israeli P.M., "I'll bet you wish you could do that."

"Hell, no!" retorts Mr. Bush, without so much as a moment's hesitation. "If I tried it, he'd bite me!"

(We cannot be certain, but we believe the above incident might have inspired the award-winning, vocabulary-building book that has reportedly supplanted both My Pet Goat and Camus's The Stranger in the President's affections.)

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