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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Whatever Limbaugh Wants 

Former ambassador Joseph Wilson must rue the day he decided to challenge the Bush administration's mendacious account of Iraqi efforts to procure yellowcake from Niger. As a direct result of his famous op-ed, "What I Didn't Find in Africa," he has been the target of a smear campaign conceived and coordinated through the office of the Vice President; he has been called a liar by the odious lickspittle Pat Roberts, in a whorish addendum to the Senate Intelligence Committee report on Iraq; he has been scorned and vilified by those right-wing bloggers unequipped to discriminate between fact and slander, which is to say most of them. These minor affronts, we need not tell you, pale before the treasonous indignities visited upon Mr. Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, a covert CIA operative who saw her cover blown, and her career in weapons counterproliferation ended, as part of the endeavor to discredit her husband.

Now, in what may be the most bitterly ironic twist of fate's rusty meathook, it transpires that Mr. Wilson's selfless, patriotic act of speaking truth to power may cost him the dearest penalty of all: his marriage.

For the beauteous Ms. Plame, in the course of her brave testimony before Rep. Henry Waxman and his House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, appears to have caught the roving, slightly piggish eye of that Casanova of carnal conservatism, that seductive studmuffin of syndication, that mack daddy of wack fatties -- and yes, we do mean the irresistible, anal-cystible love machine of the airwaves, whose lubricious, Viagra-and-Oxycontin-fueled blandishments no woman alive, be she maiden, matron, or crone, can hope to withstand for long:
Rush Limbaugh, the radio talk-show host who says he has half his brain tied behind his back just to keep things fair, apparently has the other half of his brain amorously infatuated with Valerie Plame, the former CIA operative whose alleged "blown cover" has sparked hearings on Capitol Hill.

"I have to tell you something, folks," Limbaugh said Friday during his nationally broadcast program. "After all is said and done, I, frankly, don't care. This woman is a babe."

The thrice-married-and-now-single Limbaugh not only commented on Plame's looks, but told his audience he'd have no problem romantically pursuing her if her marital status were different.

"This woman is a babe, and if she weren't married, I don't care what she's done or what her political affiliation is, I'd be throwing my hat in the ring," Limbaugh said, as he referred to the hearings as "a propaganda fest."
If the above intelligence proves to be true (and in case you're wondering, we pinched it from WorldNetDaily, so there's a good fifteen-to-twenty percent chance it's true), then Mr. Wilson should simply kiss his beloved wife goodbye. For what profiteth it a man to stand in the way of an unstoppable sexual juggernaut (right)?

SIDEBAR: We understand that Mr. Limbaugh is not the only prominent horse in the race for Ms. Plame's affections. In an email leaked to selected C-list bloggers by an unidentified, but almost certainly disgruntled, former employee last week, Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly offered to tongue Ms. Plame's "ripe, luscious batata harra" until she screamed for mercy, at which point he would "thrust his rigid shawarma" deep into her "moist, quivering baba ghanoush."

O'Reilly was reportedly crushed by Plame's reply, a single, devastating word: nosiree-kebab.

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