Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Memo to Ann (CC: Rush) 

Our esteemed colleague Timbuk3 has some disturbing news for all the hardcore principled conservatives who might be tempted to get a little, shall we say, obstreperous at the GOP coronation, later this summer, of the insane-but-not-quite-insane-enough John McCain:
The St. Paul Police Department is requesting 230 Tasers to outfit the all of the department's officers with the electroshock weapon, Fox 9 News reports. The SPPD will purchase the Tasers with $210,000 collected from drug raids . . . .

The purchase is expected to arrive in St. Paul just in time for the Republican National Convention prompting media speculation that the weapons are being purchased specifically for the convention. When asked by Fox 9 News whether the police will use the weapon at the convention particularly against protesters, police spokester Tom Walsh said, "Our hope is that no one will have to use any degree of force. If it becomes necessary, will that be one of the tools available to them? I suppose that's safe to say."
We are disappointed to see the Twin Cities constabulary investing in the taser, a primitive device with which their brother officers nationwide have been killing American citizens at a rate of better than one per week in calendar 2008. For years now we have been promised a new generation of futuristic crowd-control weapons. Where is the Piezer? The Inertial Capacitive Incapacitator? The Active Denial System, the Plasma-Flash-Bang Laser? Will even one of these splendid new gadgets be available for use against the rambunctious throngs of hardcore principled conservatives who simply cannot abide the thought of Walnuts McCain assuming the mantle of his legendary predecessor in senile-old-fuckery, Ronald Reagan?

We doubt it. And because we hate to think of the SPPD having to subdue a mob of rage-addled, spittle-flecked Limbaughs and Coulters with nothing more than tasers, we fully expect the department to adopt a policy of preemptive mass arrests and extended detentions like the one employed by New York cops during the 2004 Republican convention. The NYPD's "wide net" approach cannot be topped for efficiency, eliminating, as it does, the tricky and time-consuming process of distinguishing among innocent bystanders, peaceful protesters, and actual perps.

Oh, to be a fly on the razor wire when all those hardcore principled conservatives arrive in the holding pens! No doubt we'd overhear intellectual colloquy of a vigor and rigor unmatched since the last National Review cruise. Say, wouldn't it be nice if the delegation from Westboro Baptist put in an appearance?

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