Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Universally-Coveted KoZ Endorsement 

We have not yet managed to work up a great deal of enthusiasm for either of the frontrunners for the Democratic presidential nomination, our extensive research having proved something of an impediment, but we are pleased to say that we have already picked our candidate in another upcoming contest, namely the Alabama gubernatorial race of . . . well, 2014. Go ahead, call us premature, but WE'RE BACKING BARKLEY!! -- and we don't care who knows it:

Sir Charles was, in his youth, the most preternaturally gifted rebounder it has ever been our privilege to behold; he was also, and remains, the funniest man in sports, and we liked him even when he was a Republican pimping tax cuts for the rich ("I'm a multi-million-dollar black man. If my wife divorces me, I'm a million-dollar black man. If a Democrat gets elected president, I'm a black man.") We knew the GOP was facing profound electoral trouble when Barkley jumped ship in 2006 ("I was a Republican, until they lost their minds"), although we would certainly have seen it coming if we'd read Dave Zinn's compilation of Barkley quotes from two years before:
On racism: "Any time something bad happens to a black person because of racism, I feel it in my soul. I really do. You take the Abner Louima case. That let me know one thing: If some white guys wanted to stick a plunger up a black guy's butt, and I'm the black guy who happened to be around, I'd have a plunger up my butt."

On Saddam Hussein: "I think he's still alive. . . . Look at Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein - they used to both work for the United States and now they're enemies. That's part of the hypocrisy that goes on here."

On the flak celebrities get for their anti-war beliefs: "That's part of the hypocrisy that goes on when you're in the limelight - if you say something, you're anti-American or unpatriotic or too liberal. We're all free to say what we want to, but if you ever forget your place, we'll put you back in your place."

On politics: "Politics is too corrupt," Barkley said. "You know how you can tell politics is corrupt? President Bush is going to raise $250 million for a job that pays $400,000. Now tell me there isn't something wrong there?"

On his priority in life: "My No. 1 priority is to help poor people. In this country, 90% of the money is controlled by 10% of the people, and that's not right."
What a pleasure it would be to hear such positions straightforwardly espoused by the likes of prominent Democrats such as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Skeptics will perhaps point out that Mr. Barkley has been forced to pay out large cash settlements after throwing obstreperous strangers through plate-glass windows. We can only reply that that the full-body window-heave is yet another maneuver we would like to see adopted by prominent Democrats such as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

UPDATE: Or, for that matter, this guy.

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